Jackie Beat

JOAN’S WAY OF LIFE!

admin — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 05:44:26 +0000

One of my very favorite books is Joan Crawford’s bonkers autobiography, “My Way of Life.” From its unapologetically bossy title to the many snapshots inside – gems like her maid, Mamacita, stuffing the sleeves of Joan’s shoulder-padded business suits in preparation for one of her many business trips for Pepsi Cola – this book is a real page-turner!

The cover of this rare book (they go for BIG bucks on Ebay!) features an amazing photo of Joan sitting below an enormous and somewhat disturbing portrait by the one and only Margaret Keane, best known for her “big-eyed orphans.”

Granted, those saucer-sized peepers look downright adorable when they are cautiously peering out from under the wispy bangs of an emaciated little street waif playing the guitar or a dirty Dickensian ragamuffin holding a rat-like kitten while standing next to a trash can in an alley.

But when they are boring into you from below the world-famous caterpillar eyebrows of an adult woman in a full-length white evening gown with matching opera gloves and a dark aquamarine wrap coat, dripping in diamonds, it’s just plain creepy. And as if that wasn’t strange enough, perched on Joan’s lap are two rather sickly looking off-white toy poodles. It’s hard to believe that Joan, quite possibly the world’s most famous neat freak, would pose for a photo – destined to be a book cover, no less – without everything being just perfect, but I’m sorry, those dogs look filthy. “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at the dirt! You have to clean UNDER the dogs’ eyes, Helga!” Yes, Fifi and Pepe’s eyes look oozy, and Joan’s look particularly boozy – and perhaps therein lies the explanation. So essentially, the cover of the autobiography of the poster child of all Control freaks features EIGHT really spooky eyes.

But I am not making fun of La Crawford. This is merely some good-natured ribbing directed at a goddess I actually worship. And although I have said it many times, I think it bears repeating that I do not believe one word that spilled from the mutinous mouth or poisoned pen of that LYING DESIGNER SACK OF ADOPTED SHIT, CHRISTINA CRAWFORD! That being said, let’s get to the point, shall we?

I often like to imagine what it would be like if Joan was doing the same exact thing that I happened to be doing. And more specifically, how she would have written about it in “My Way of Life.” The rules are simple: First, Joan would NEVER abbreviate or shorten ANYTHING – that would be downright lazy.

Second, Joan has a way of over-explaining even the most mundane and obvious things, but in the most pleasantly soothing and proper albeit patronizing way.

And finally, Joan would creatively add drama and glamour to it all. That’s the way she lived and the way she wrote.

Okay, so I am going to drive to Palm Springs tomorrow with my friend, Muffy Bolding, to perform for Gay Pride. We may stop for a bite to eat on the way. Sounds like fun, huh? Well, just wait until Joan gets ahold of it! Keep in mind that this is still me, Jackie Beat, writing… But it’s me channeling the style of Joan! Take it away, Joanie…

Tomorrow morning I shall awaken around 7 AM so as to get an early start on my busy day. You see, I am taking one of those wonderful little automobile trips to the most delightful and magical of all places, the desert oasis known as Palm Springs. I will be performing later that evening for a group of wonderfully creative and stylish young men who are celebrating some sort of accomplishment, the surrounding details of which I am not entirely sure. Many of these gentlemen will be bearded, or at the very least mustachioed, as that is currently the popular style among this particular group of so-called “confirmed bachelors.”

With a schedule as busy as mine, even as simple a trip as this is a real treat! As such, I thought it a great idea to bring along one of my very favorite people, with whom I never seem to spend enough time. So, although I am a very independent woman and have never felt the need for a bodyguard or chaperone, I am bringing along with me one of my oldest and dearest friends, the enigmatic lady writer, Muffy Bolding. You may be shocked to learn that Miss Bolding is, in fact, a Mrs., but I can assure you this is indeed the case. She is wife to her dashing husband, Gregory, and mother to her three well-mannered and immaculate children – all future actors, I’m quite certain. Let me just say that the good-looking, shiny apples don’t fall far from the witty, iconically bespectacled tree!

Though it is not a terribly long drive from Los Angeles to Palm Springs, I am making sure to factor in plenty of time so that Muffy and I may stop for a leisurely luncheon while en route. Despite the fact that I have eaten at some of the finest restaurants in all the world, you may be quite surprised to learn that I greatly enjoy putting on a pair of comfortable dungarees, a simple gingham shirt, and going on a casual picnic. And to me, stopping at one of the many roadside diners along the way will be rather like picnicking for a couple of harried Hollywood hobos like Muffy and myself.

Yes, I cannot wait to pull in, park the car and, by stepping into a humble no-frills eatery, in essence travel back to a simpler time, if you will. The friendly waitress – no doubt named Doris, Dolores, Dottie or something equally as unassuming and unabashedly American — will greet us, kindly inviting us to sit wherever we’d like, and perhaps even suggesting a few of her favorites from the limited but homey menu. We, of course, will listen politely – maybe even feigning interest in an item or two – all the while knowing exactly what we want. For me it will be a hamburger sandwich, cooked well-done. Now I can hear more than a few of you haughty gourmands out there clucking your tongues in culinary judgment, but in this day and age that mélange of ground beef could easily be from several hundred different head of cattle, so I always make sure that my ground beef – along with any possible bacteria – is properly cooked into submission! I still enjoy steak tartar, but you must understand that is made from one top quality piece of meat from but one animal, mind you. But enough about that! I will also ask that my grilled hamburger be served on a toasted bun with generous dollops of both mayonnaise and prepared yellow mustard. In addition, I shall gently request a nice thick slice of raw white onion (good for the heart and blood!), some ripe red beefsteak tomato and just a few crisp leaves of crunchy iceberg lettuce. On the side? French-fried potatoes, of course! And while it may raise a few eyebrows in that charming but unsophisticated roadside chuckwagon, I happen to prefer mine dipped in decadent Thousand Island dressing as opposed to fancy tomato catsup. God forbid anyone recognizes me as a celebrity behind my dark sunglasses or beneath my straw hat as I indulge this admittedly perverse condiment fetish (I learned it from an eccentric but extremely handsome foreign co-star), as it may just make its way into Monday’s gossip columns!

Knowing my pal, Muffy, she will order a big hearty bowl of soup. Muffy just loves soup! And I honestly don’t think it matters the variety, so long as it’s piping hot and accompanied by some fresh-baked bread and butter or at the very least some saltine crackers or those delectable cellophane-wrapped Rye Krisp that always seem to sneak into my handbag, along with those addictive Andes mints, for later. Again, I can imagine more than a few of you rolling your eyes out there and saying, “They’re driving to the desert! Who on God’s green Earth would have soup?” Muffy would, that’s who! And, trust me, she will. And speaking of the desert, I’m sure we two California camels will be quite parched and feel the need to order refreshing beverages the moment we sit down. Muffy will have an iced tea with some sort of dietetic sweetener, while I may opt for very strong, freshly-brewed (don’t be afraid to demand it!) black coffee for a much-needed little afternoon burst of energy. After all, we still have a bit of a drive ahead of us. But before we hit the road, we’ll share a nice big slice of homemade pie. And this time, we will indeed listen to the waitress’s suggestion. If she says the apple is particularly good, then that’s what we’ll have – with a piece of sharp cheddar cheese melting all over it like a smitten, tipsy lover. There truly is nothing better and it will be worth the extra calisthenics or the need to adopt a slimming program later in the week featuring nothing but large-curd low-fat cottage cheese, cling peaches in heavy syrup and Melba toast. Oh. what we do to stay in shape!

Oh dear, look at the time! We really must get back on the road if we are going to make it to our hotel in time for me to apply my cosmetics, and perhaps even a glamorous wiglet, for the stage. After “powdering our noses” we both pile back into my coupe, adjust the air-conditioning to our comfort level, tune the radio to something light yet upbeat, and we are once again on our way. Palm Springs or bust!

GIMME A J!

admin — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 02:12:57 +0000

Use the first letter of your first name and make a list of ten things that start with that letter — all to do with YOU!

This entry brought to you by…the letter “J”

And the idea for this entry was shamelessly pilfered from the one and only Muffy Bolding (a constant source of inspiration and life-affirming aggravation)

1. JACQUELINE SUSANN: A former lingerie model and rumored bisexual, Susann practically invented the in-store autograph session: “If the book is signed, they can’t return it!” This Pucci-wearing phenom wrote “Once is Not Enough,” “The Love Machine,” “Dolores,” the God-awful sci-fi fiasco “Yargo” and the best-selling work of fiction of all time (if you don’t count The Bible!), “Valley of the Dolls!” (“The DaVinci Code” may now be number one, but I choose to ignore this annoying fact, okay?) Taken from us way too early (cancer, of course), Jackie also wrote an entire book about her prissy little poodle, “Every Night, Josephine!” Yep, my kinda’ lady.

2. JALAPENO JELLY: This magical marriage of spicy and sweet is best when plopped on top of a brick of cream cheese and served with crackers. Heaven!

3. JOAN CRAWFORD: I love, love, love The Crawford. I could watch her in anything — from the sublime “Rain” to the stinking rotten Tennessee Williams wannabe “Queen Bee.” I often ask myself, “What would Joan Crawford do?’ The answer is usually something fabulous and decadent like A) Put on a vintage kimono B) Read a book while soaking in a hot bath C) Whip up a batch of bacon-wrapped scallops D) Clean the kitchen with a toothbrush or, more than likely, E) ALL OF THE ABOVE. Viva La Crawford! (And, although I am not saying the woman was a saint, I do NOT believe Christina Crawford’s snotty side of the story)

4. JOHN SINGER SARGENT: One of my favorite artists of all time. The man responsible for two of the sexiest paintings in the history of art: “Dr. Pozzi at Home” and “Madame X.”

5. JERKY, BEEF: I adore salty, chewy beef jerky.

6. JUST LIKE HEAVEN, by The Cure: Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick, the one that makes me scream.” she said. ”The one that makes me laugh,” she said and threw her arms around my neck…

7. JESSICA LANGE in “American Horror Story”: My friend James and I are convinced she is channeling Geraldine Paige in “Whatever Happened to Aunt Alice?” And don’t even get me started on “Grey Gardens!” She was always amazing, but she was so beautiful that it took away from her talent. Now that she’s older, she can really sink her teeth into these quirky roles.

8. JAPAN: I want to go so bad! This is a hold-over from back in the ’80s when it was all about Japan. And all of a sudden, I am finding Japanese men to be very sexy. I love it when they look like extras from a “Godzilla” movie — ’60s slim-fit suit, horn-rimmed glasses — but you know they’re total pervs in bed. Exotic geek chic! And I really love Japanese pubic hair.

9. JIM HENSON: The late creator of The Muppets was a genius. When I think of all the joy he has brought into my life I have to say a silent and heartfelt, “Thank you.”

10. JAR: I have only eaten at this Los Angeles restaurant once, but it was one of the best meals I have ever had. I really must go back!

BONUS…
11. JAKE GYLLENHAAL: Oh boy, now this is some GOOD eatin’!

LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES…

admin — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 02:31:59 +0000

I recently performed at THE ROCK in Phoenix, Arizona and as usual I was asked by my hosts, “What would you like to do while you’re here?” My answer to that question was (and always is!) “I want to go thrift store shopping!” So, after an AMAZING lunch at Barrio, a-shopping we did go! Here are just a few of the treasures I found…

Our first stop was BOOM BOOM LA RUE, a fabulous drag boutique that features new and vintage clothing, large-size shoes, wigs, makeup, nails, accessories, REDONKULOUS jewelry and just about anything else a big ol’ man might need to transform himself into a “pretty lady!” I found a stunning, like-new vintage outfit that took my breath away!

Looking like something right out of the original wardrobe of “Auntie Mame,” this full-length sleeveless gem (with matching jacket!) is gold Lurex with a gorgeous pattern featuring dark brown Spider Mums and a maroon Greek chain. The label says “Lady Shaheen” (I must research!) and the dress and jacket fit PERFECTLY! The price? Only $35!

I cannot wait to wear this with some of my amazing Yma Sumac jewelry!

I also treated myself to a slutty red wig with bangs… Viva la slut!

Then we went to a REAL thrift store, Goodwill Industries, where I scored a practically brand new lightweight Calvin Klein suit with thin gray stripes. I am not a label whore, but seeing how I only paid $24 for this — AND IT FITS LIKE A GLOVE — I think it’s one hell of a great deal!

I also found this ceramic lion “valet” in black and cream with a red velvet insert for $12.99. It now holds my favorite vintage tortoise shell sunglasses, a few rings I wear every day and my lip balm.

Happy thrifting!

THE TARGET SANDAL SCANDAL!

admin — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 17:35:12 +0000

How’s this for Karma? Although Gays such as myself should NOT be shopping at Target, I have a prescription that is a controlled substance (!) and not easily transferred, so I was at the South Pasadena location today with Muffy Bolding. Well, she saw a cute pair of sandals she thought her daughter might like. Not wanting to be an “uncool mom” and buy anything that her daughter might possibly find unfashionable, she pulled out her cell phone to snap and send a quick photo. Besides, the shoe came in a variety of sassy colors and, should it be deemed acceptable, there was still the question of “which hue would do?”

The moment poor Muffy raised her iPhone to take said photo, a Target empolyee — standing nearby, ironically piling bananas onto a shelf — went bananas and informed her that, “The taking of photos is NOT allowed!” I was getting my prescription at the time, but when Muffy approached me, not unlike a puppy that had been kicked, and told me what had just happened, I saw red — and I am not just talking about the Target employees’ signature crimson polo shirts! I marched right past the banana boy towards those sandals and loudly announced, “Here is my cell phone, with a camera, and I am taking a photo of these shoes!” He didn’t say a word. But I asked to have a word with the manager — who, it turned out, looked like a kid right out of high school. Yep, about 5 feet tall with stupid spiky hair and when he said, “I’m the manager!” his chest puffed up like that of a tiny bird. He was talking to a guy who looked like a 7 foot tall fat retarded rat and some rent-a-cop that resembled a young Erik Estrada. I explained the situation — and my confusion with the NO PHOTOS rule — and like any good corporate robot the tiny spiky manager/bird simply repeated the rule and pointed out that it was indeed a rule.

“Are you afraid that people are trying to steal your AMAZING Target shoe designs?” I asked, dripping with sarcasm. He repeated the rule. “Aren’t there photos of every item available in this store on your website for anyone and everyone to see right now? I mean, are these shoes a SECRET!?” I asked, again leaving a puddle of sarcasm on the floor (“Clean up on aisle 3!”). Again, he repeated that it was store policy, blah blah blah. I said, “Well, that’s fucking stupid!” Well, you’d have thought I’d spit on Jesus…

“It is also store policy that there be no cursing — THIS IS A FAMILY STORE!” he chirped. “A family store, huh?” I asked, the mere mention of the sacred hetero family making me wild-eyed, as if I am anti-family or something. “Well, I am in the MANSON family!” I bellowed. Then he said that we had to leave and that they were calling the police. I pointed out that I was waiting for my prescription to be filled and that I would not be leaving without it. They followed about a foot behind us as we walked to the pharmacy and, at one point, I wheeled around and yelled, “Get a fucking life!”

“That’s it, you are being escorted from the store or the police will be called” the Assistant Daytime Manager said in a quivery voice. This was his big moment. I paid for my prescription and we started to head towards the exit. Again, baby bird, retarded fat rat and Erik Estrada walked right behind us. And again, I turned and AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS said, “We are leaving, you assholes! You do NOT need to fucking follow us!” Then I decided to tell a bewildered lady standing nearby the entire story — AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS — while Muffy and I marched towards the front door. The woman just said, “That’s crazy!”

Muffy, later told me that she had resigned herself to the fact that she would be bailing me out of jail that night. But thank God that didn’t happen. We piled into my 2002 Pontiac Grand Am and drove away, vowing NEVER again to darken the doorway of Target!

“This is a FAMILY store!” Fuck you, loser — you don’t think I have a family? Yes, even middle-aged faggots and their Velma look-alike fag hags have families. So go get your butt-ugly girlfriend pregnant AGAIN and add yet another hideous little shit to YOUR family!

ANNOYED WITH A CAPITAL F!

admin — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 17:28:56 +0000

I really wish I wasn’t so shy… Sometimes I yearn to be one of those people who are not afraid to speak their mind, you know? I wish I were more opinionated about how I feel — as opposed to the quiet and reserved “shrinking violet” that I actually am. Having said that — under my breath, in a non-threatening and pleasant whisper, of course — let me climb up onto this table and, at the top of my lungs, share with you a few things that are…

BUGGING THE EVER-LOVIN’ CRAP OUTA’ ME!

I’M JUST WONDERING, WHEN DID YOU CHOOSE TO BE BLACK?

It’s 2011, can we make one thing perfectly clear: BEING GAY IS NOT A CHOICE. If it was, please tell me why anyone would have chosen it back when being so was the worst possible thing? Gays were killed in nazi concentration camps, the victims of hate crimes and lest we forget when AIDS first struck in the 1980′s. If you were 16 and saw gay men all around you being beaten, killed or dying a slow agonizing death from a horrible disease — and being Gay was a CHOICE — why would you choose it? It makes absolutely NO sense, but fools like Tracy Morgan, Evangelical Christians and other idiots still nonchalantly claim, “It’s a choice.” You know what IS a choice? Religion is a choice. Warping, twisting and perverting what is natural in the name of a man-made God is a choice. It really is a matter of intelligence and there are simply a lot of really stupid people out there. You have every right to be stupid, all I ask is that please SHUT THE EFF UP. Thank you.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO PUT THEIR CHILDREN ON LEASHES!

This is LOS ANGELES — not a farm in Wisconsin, not Tijuana, not Mayberry RFD! There are cars EVERYWHERE. So pleeeease put your fricking dog on a freaking leash, you fracking piece of shit asshole. I just watched as some woman who was walking two well-behaved dogs, ON LEASHES, was attacked by three not-so-well-trained dogs that just came running out of someone’s yard. A few people ran out and helped break up the scuffle, ushering their pets back into the unfenced yard, but not before I saw one of the men swat the dog he had scooped up IN THE FACE. Listen, do whatever it takes to separate the snarling dogs, but once it’s over there is no need to strike a dog — especially in the face! Of course these semi-retarded entitled cretins did not utter even ONE word to this woman — no apology of any kind. She just stood there, dazed and confused, while checking to see if either of her dogs were hurt. And before you tell me that your dog is “well-trained”, let me just remind you that NO ONE can train a dog 100%… If the dog sees a cat, a child, another dog, a skunk, a raccoon, a squirrel, a chicken bone — or one of thousands of other things — OR THERE IS AN EARTHQUAKE OR A GUN SHOT — they might dart into the street. Is your dog-training ego really worth seeing your dog unceremoniously crushed beneath the tires of an SUV? I say NO!

GOODBYE NORMA JEAN…

I have been OBSESSED with the recent Profiles in History auction of Debbie Reynolds’ amazing collection of Hollywood memorabilia. First, I went with my equally bonkers ex-boyfriend and my slusband (straight lady husband), Muffy Bolding, to witness the unparalleled exhibit with my own two eyes. I stood mere inches from Marilyn Monroe’s infamous white “subway” dress from The Seven Year Itch, Charlie Chaplin’s signature bowler hat, tons of horribly/wonderfully gaudy gold-leafed Egyptian crap from both Cleopatras, 1934 with Claudette Colbert and 1960 with Elizabeth Taylor (not to mention Eagle-Lion in 1945 featuring Vivien Leigh as Cleo!), the Santa Claus suit from A Miracle on 34th Street and hundreds of other iconic costumes and props from The Wizard of Oz, The Sound of Music, Ben Hur, My Fair Lady, Mutiny on the Bounty, Singing in the Rain, Apocalypse Now, A Streetcar Named Desire, How To Marry a Millionaire, Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte, Mildred Pierce, Planet of the Apes, Funny Girl and many more classic films! My ex bid on (and actually won!) a set of five purple and green roller skating costumes from Funny Girl — complete with tights, hats and skates. He got them for an unbelievably low $2500. The costume Barbra Streisand wore in that scene sold for $65,000! But that is nothing compared to the $4.6 million Marilyn’s aforementioned “subway” dress raked in or the $3.7 million that the stunning black and white masterpiece with matching hat that Cecil Beaton designed for Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. My ex, who spent over fifteen hours at the actual auction waiting for those skating costumes to come up, texted me throughout the day. He said that two Japanese men were bidding on almost everything and that a French man and woman (perhaps from Monaco?) were snatching up anything that had belonged to Grace Kelly. It’s so sad that these treasures will be scattered all over the world — many as far away as Japan. The American Dream — and specifically, its golden Hollywood chapter — is now officially dead and pinned like a butterfly to acid-free velvet, behind shatterproof plexiglas in a climate-controlled environment.

WHY GAY PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED!

admin — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 21:47:48 +0000

PLEASE NOTE: THIS WAS WRITTEN YEARS AGO, BUT IN LIGHT OF NYC’S HISTORIC MOVE, I THINK IT’S TIME FOR THIS GEM TO BE RE-RUN!

Listen up gays! I know you want to get married, but I’m sorry, it just ain’t gonna happen! Although I appreciate your predicament, let me explain something to you. The institution of marriage is sacred because the union between a man and a woman is a miraculous and amazing thing. Some things are so rare and beautiful that they must be placed on a pedestal and given unquestioned respect and reverance by society. Sex between a man and a woman is one of those things. I mean, have you ever heard of a heterosexual couple doing it in the back of a limo on prom night, crudely videotaping their lovemaking or inviting complete strangers to join them in the bedroom? No, of course not! Have you ever heard of a man forcing himself on a woman who has clearly said “no” or a female teacher having sex with one of her 14 year-old male students? Cases like these are simply unheard of. Why? Because, unlike you and your gay partner, God is present within each heterosexual relationship. And that is why you will never hear horror strories such as a man killing his pregnant wife on Christmas Eve and dumping her headless body and that of their unborn son into the San Francisco bay. It just doesn’t happen.

If you need further proof that “normal” straight marriage is sacred, all one has to do is look to the stars. No, not the heavenly stars above — the trend-setting stars in Hollywood. Take for instance the female performer Jennifer Lopez. Her marriage to the male pop singer Marc Anthony is a glorious thing in God’s eyes. So was her first marriage to Ojani Noa. And her second to Cris Judd. And I’m sure God will smile upon her next marriage, too. And who could watch five minutes of “Britney & Kevin: Chaotic” or “John & Kate Plus Eight” or “The Bachelor” and not see the quiet dignity of marriage? And the vagina-sporting actress Renee Zellweger’s marriage to the penis-equipped country singer Kenny Chesney is also a golden example. So are Woody Allen and his one-time adopted daughter and now wife Soon-Yi. As are Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall II, who was 60 years her senior. Want even more evidence? How about one of my all-time favorite married couples — film director Peter Bogdanovich and Louise Hoogstratten — who is not only 29 years younger than him, but had plastic surgery to look more like her sister, doomed Playboy centerfold Dorothy Stratten, with whom Bogdanovich had an affair before her enraged husband blew her brains out with a shot gun and sodomized her dead body. Add to this all the green card marriages, mail-order brides, reality show love connections, Mormon polygamists and women who marry serial killers on death row and the argument is settled once and for all. Can’t you just hear the birds singing while God nods with approval? So you see, this is why you as a defective homosexual cannot get married. It’s just not right. Not when you step back, take a good look at marriage and realize just how sacred it really is.

LIFE WITHOUT GLAMOUR? NO THANK YOU!

admin — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 18:16:21 +0000

A dear friend of mine, Mr. Damon Devine, is a celebrity makeup artist who used to do the flawless maquillage of the infamously talented and glamorous Incan songbird, Yma Sumac. When she became ill, he was there for her — as a friend AND a makeup magician — even painting her still-stunning face while in the hospital. When she passed, he was put in charge of all her exotic and breathtaking worldly possessions. Anything Yma wore in a publicity photo or on an album cover would, obviously, be put up for auction. Some of the less famous (but by no means less glamorous!) pieces are, thankfully, making their way into the hearts and closets of myself and some of LA’s most fashionable personalities and/or performers.

Miss Yma Sumac being idolized by her adoring fans.

A few pairs of tiny vintage Sling-O-Back shoes fit my gal pal, Selene Luna, like a glove. An amazing purple ensemble consisting of hot pants, matching long hostess jacket (open in the front a la Lucille Ball) with rhinestone buttons and a corresponding belt (with uber chunky rhinestone belt buckle!) was adopted by funny lady (with a body of DEATH!), Nadya Ginsburg. A black and turquoise mod geometric costume jewelry necklace went to the oh-so-chic Jonona Amor. And a string of iridescent black beads are now sitting proudly just above the cleavage of writer/actress Muffy Bolding. Needless to say, all these fabulous ladies are thrilled to own these beautiful items and to help keep the magic of Ms. Sumac alive.

I can feel Yma’s unmistakable glamour when I wear her ocelot caftan!

As is the case with most women, Yma’s weight (along with her striking glamour!) increased a bit with age and as a result, there exist in her collection everything from the tiniest of form-fitting outfits to the most comfortable and forgiving diaphanous garments. I am the proud owner of several of her muumuus or caftans, two of which are shown here on both the legendary Yma herself in photos from back in the day — and on myself, out of drag and bearded, trying them on for size.

As a vintage clothing freak, I really LOVE the fact that Yma’s garments were outrageously beautiful AND in fabulous shape! NOTHING SMELLED OF CIGARETTE SMOKE, THANK YOU! (Just look at this Goddess!)

I, too, am simply over-the-moon to be the proud owner of some of Yma’s enduring glamour. As far as I am concerned, glamour makes life worth living! Looking through her wardrobe, it’s no wonder that V Magazine recently named Yma Sumac one of the top Muses of the World of the 21st Century! But it is her loving spirit towards animals, her imperious diva-like star attitude and, of course, her peerless singing voice that will live forever. Do yourself a favor and watch some Yma Sumac on YouTube and go get some of her music. Put it on while you clean the house or run your errands.

A simple day look. Perhaps I will wear it on my next run to Trader Joe’s!?

Remember, glamour makes life worth living. And Yma was glamour incarnate!

SAGE ADVICE TO THE SODOMITES & SISTERS OF SAPPHO…

admin — Wed, 25 May 2011 23:25:46 +0000

I know a lot of smart, funny people. Here are their special GAY PRIDE messages for YOU!

Watch the documentaries “Stonewall Uprising” and “Before Stonewall” and listen to the stories of the people who came before us that made our lives, today, pretty fucking amazing. History is a weapon! Also, spend less on cocktails and go support your local gay artists… like me!

– Coco Peru, Drag Queen/Monologist/World Savior

Always respect and honor those who’ve paved the way for your rights today, and do your part to support and nurture the LGBTQ kids of tomorrow. Gay it forward!

– DJ Paul V., BornThisWayBlog.com

Thanks to the LGBTQ natives before us, our evolution is revolution. We’re living in exciting times and shining on the frontlines. From Stonewall to No on Prop Hate, we are time travelers honey… so don’t be late!

– Kelly Mantle, Gay Bisexual Trans Lesbian

I wish Gay Pride events were unnecessary. I wish gay was just accepted as the normal thing that it is.

– Susan Olsen AKA Cindy Brady

Eat, drink and be merry because happy Gays are good for America!”

– Roseanne Barr, Emmy Award-winning Actress/Bestselling Author

Love yourself before loving anyone else. Like on plane, you put on your oxygen mask first, otherwise you’ll pass out and your kids will die.

– Julie Brown, Concerned Gay Icon

Being Gay taught me to never determine my self-worth through the eyes of others and to be proud of who I am.

– Austin Young, Artist

It won’t just “get better”, you’re going to have to work your way through. Find some strong friends, take care of yourself and focus on your goals. You’ll make it.

– Calpernia Addams, Showgirl

Being Gay is not enough. The content of your character matters. Let it shine for all to see.

– Jimmy James, Entertainer

Become the man you always wanted to marry. Love, honor and cherish yourself!

– Joe Fitrzyk, Entertainment Blogger

Remember that what we celebrate on Pride Day is diversity. Not to be corny, but be yourselves for fuck’s sake. It’s boring when we all fit in!

– Heklina, Drag Icon

It’s you guys, not Oprah, who inspire me to live my best life. How selfish that sounds: “I just really like the way you make me feel!” But it’s because of my gay friends that I take more creative risks, strive to make things beautiful and recognize the importance of proper shapewear.

– Lindsey Alley, Former Mouseketeer and Current Chanteuse

Gay Pride doesn’t need our words. We are stronger by speaking out with our actions. Like shaking common sense and civil rights into others. Shaking them just like a baby!

– Deven Green & Joel Bryant, “Hollywood’s power gay couple who just happen to be straight.”

Pride is totes all about celebrating and embracing everyone and their ultra amazeballsness!!! A time to come together and spotlight our contributions to society and share the love in our community! And of course shopping for new rhinestone encrusted drop-crotch skinny jeans, going tanning, applying extra bronzer, stalking celebs with a cocktail or five! Cheersies!

– Jessica & Hunter, www.jessicaandhunter.com

Please don’t let Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” be EVERY Gay Pride float’s theme song this year!

– Bruce Daniels, Comedian

Be generous, be kind, and don’t apologize for who you are!”

– Selene Luna, Hobo-Sexual

If anyone gives you any shit, I’ve got your back!

– Ross Mathews, Long-time Gay

Powdered drugs are stronger than Pride. Celebrate your sexual freedom by loving yourself. Oh, and by SAFELY fucking & sucking to your hearts’ AND asses’ content!

– Nadya Ginsburg, Your Half Jewish Childless Grandma

As the demented and diminutive Pamela Des Barres of the drag world, I hereby issue the following edict for Gay Pride 2011: COCK IS THE NEW BLACK. No stylish sodomite’s Summer wardrobe is complete without it!

– Muffy Bolding, Writer/Hooker/Fag Hag Extraordinaire

Just remember that most venues are drug-free establishments. So pass all of your narcotics to me and I will dispose of them in the proper fashion!

– Detox, Projected Winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 16

Crystal Waters! Black Box! M People! Snap! Bizarre Inc! Cece Peniston! Cheryl Lynn! Clivilles & Cole! Rozalla! Soul II Soul!

– Drew Droege, The Man Behind the Internet Sensation “Chloe”

Live in the Loo! And I don’t mean in UK toilets. I’m talking about the spirit of “Halleloo”… where you live everyday to the fullest without any fear of following your dreams!

– Shangela Laquifa Wadley, Official PimpHo, RuPaul’s Drag Race

Wig on, chin up, heels high, and lead by example!

– The World Famous *BOB*, “Big Fag With Big Boobs”

Dear BLT Community, what can I say to an exceedingly preened “people” who are so fond of antiques and lady singers? Not much. I congratulate you on whatever it is that you’re so proud of. Now, whaddaya say we get you guys the right to vote?

– Dina Martina, Talent-Stuffed Singer/Dancer/Gymnast

Forgive your parents, love your body, accept who you are and BE A NICE PERSON. Sometimes you win… but no one gets out unscathed.

– Mario Diaz, Actor/Event Producer

Learn to grow old gracefully… Hire a hooker.

– Ryan Landry, Playwright/Cocksucker/Patriot

Outing the world will save it. The final frontier. The meek WILL inherit the Earth!

– Alexis Arquette, Troglodyte

Resistance is futile. We will destroy the human race. It’s easier when you accept and embrace the GAY WORLD TAKE-OVER. Yes, we’re recruiting your children through shows like “Glee”. Duh! Just accept that in only a few years we will have successfully turned all young people HOMOSEXUAL and they will be the last humans on Earth. But for now, have fun, party, celebrate!

– Peaches Christ, Writer/Director/Drag Monster

"HESHER" IS A MUST-SEE!

admin — Mon, 16 May 2011 18:10:53 +0000

God, I miss movies like “Welcome to the Dollhouse” that have you laughing one moment and then sobbing the next. To paraphrase its titular lead character, “Thank God, or The Devil, or whatever…” for HESHER!

My friend Mario and I were very excited to go see (and add to the all-important opening weekend box office of) “Bridesmaids.” It never ceases to amaze me how women — WHO MAKE UP AT LEAST FIFTY PERCENT OF THE POPULATION — still have to prove themselves as “bankable” here in Hollywood. Well, at least ones that talk instead of scream, right? Put them in a bikini and have them devoured by piranhas at Spring Break or tie them to a chair and torture them in “Saw 17: Enough Already!” and all is fine. But much has been written about how important “Bridesmaids” is to the future of female directors, writers and comic leading ladies. You would think we were talking about one-legged, albino bisexual Lithuanian women here. Listen, as far as I am concerned, anyone who thinks vagina ain’t funny hasn’t seen one! And putting so much pressure on ONE movie and ONE director and ONE cast is like people who say, “Okay Obama, we are giving YOUR people a chance — if you blow this we will NEVER have another black president, understand!?” Can you imagine if we never had another white male president just because he fucked up? Honey, we would have a one-legged, albino bisexual Lithuanian woman president right now! And what about every movie starring a middle-aged white man that tanked? HOW THE FUCK DOES NICOLAS CAGE STILL GET WORK!?

But I’m not here to talk about “Bridesmaids” (which I am seeing today!) or Nic Cage. No, I am here to convince you to do yourself a favor and run, don’t walk, to see “Hesher!” Joseph-Gordon Levitt is not only fat-free and tattooed and crazy and beautiful and scary and sexy, but brilliant. And to those of you who are concerned with Natalie Portman — as we all should be — I say this: Yes, she is far too gorgeous (even with her hair pulled back and in “ugly” glasses) to keep from being distracting and possibly momentarily pulling one out of the surreal reality of the movie, but she is barely in it and everyone else cancels out this oh-so-minor and temporary problem. Let it go.

The real reasons to see this gem are the script and the luminescent Piper Laurie. You can add weight, many many wrinkles, age spots and gray and thin the hair of a great actress and she will still remain a stunning and fearless creature from which you CANNOT LOOK AWAY! Piper Laurie, like with her Academy Award-nominated role as the religiously bonkers mother in “Carrie,” walks the razor-thin line between dead-serious and now-she’s-just-fucking-with-me! If she is not nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her work in “Hesher,” mark my words, I will move to… Lithuania.

And don’t even get me started on Devin Brochu, the actor who plays the bullied and beleaguered 13 year-old… Or the gut-wrenching, white-knuckle, CRAWLING OUT OF YOUR SEAT flashback that is one of the most painfully suspenseful scenes I have ever had to sit through in my entire life. Made every Hitchcock film suddenly feel like Bambi.

“Hesher” made $127,000 this weekend — that’s less than just the Raisinettes sales from all the showings of “Bridesmaids” combined. I am not asking you NOT to see “Bridesmaids” or “Thor” or “Fast Five” (okay, maybe I am asking you NOT to see “Fast Five”), I am simply asking you to also make time for “Hesher.”

Trust me.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME… WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME!?

admin — Fri, 13 May 2011 20:38:07 +0000

Once again, these questions were SHAMELESSLY STOLEN from Muffy Bolding…

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?

All my relationships are serious.

2) What was your dream growing up?

I have a VERY distinct memory as a kid of figuring out how old I would be by the year 2000 — and I was convinced I would be dead by then. Now it’s 2011 and the bitch is still kickin’! I also remember fantasizing about what it would be like to be an adult and it was a specific vision of myself — as an adult man — in a rather dark smoked-glass and chrome bathroom, shaving. I thought that grooming and getting ready for some fabulous party was the ultimate adult thing to do. Needless to say, now I despise shaving! But I must shave to become my alter ego and entertain people — which, of course, was my ultimate dream as a child.

3) What talent do you wish you had?

This is going to sound so pretentious and lame, but I wish I could play dumb.

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?

I adore coffee, but my all-time favorite beverage is carrot juice. I have said it before and I will say it again — it tastes like chocolate milk to me!

5) Favorite vegetable?

When I was a kid, I would walk around the cafeteria and eat EVERYONE’S broccoli! I hated peas with a passion, but now they are my FAVORITE! Um, I guess that was my long way of saying “Peas!”

6) What was the last book you read?

I am currently reading (in the bathtub, of course!) a big fat biography of Truman Capote that Miss Muffy Bolding bought me at a thrift store for 33 cents.

7) What zodiac sign are you?

The ONLY sign that matters, Leo.

Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.

My ears are pierced (the right has three holes — oh, the late ’80s/early ’90s!) and I have the following tattoos: My mother’s name (Lili) on my right ring finger, the word LOVE on my right wrist (my bestie, Mario Diaz, and I got matching ones!), above that is a star, then the Chinese symbol for “love”, then another star, then the phrase I WILL SERVE NO OTHER MASTER (I got it when I quit smoking!), yet another star, then a monarch butterfly and finally MARIO — which I got in NYC as a surprise for his birthday. I also have the word BEAUTIFUL on the inside of my left forearm, a DS (for my band, Dirty Sanchez) on the back of my neck (we all got them in different places on our bodies on some TV show) and finally… My precious dog, Baby, on my right upper arm/shoulder. That one is my favorite.

9) Worst Habit?

I am the laziest person on the planet. People argue with me about this all the time, but it’s true. I can also be VERY negative. I am constantly saying, “Everything’s fucked!”

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?

I hate to say it, but after watching many terrifying episodes of “I Survived” — I would NOT!

11) What is your favorite sport?

As a certain kind of gay, I abhor sports. By the same token, I adore watching Male Gymnastics, Greco-Roman Wrestling, Diving, Swimming — anything that involves hot men in various states of undress. When I went to Quebec to audition for Cirque du Soleil, the guy who picked me up at the airport asked me, “Do you like hockey?” to which I replied, “Hell no! They wear way too much clothing!”

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?

See Question 9. It is very UN-Leo of me to be so negative, but my negativity can actually be positive, if that makes sense. Also, as a comedian, focusing on the negative (and making fun of it) is how I make a living, so it’s hard to turn that “off” in my real life.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?

Start a conversation.

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?

Overhearing my mother boasting to a neighbor lady that I “tested very high on several intelligence tests” and that I would “never have to work for anything.” What a curse.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.

For all my un-PC, filthy comedy I am quite a reserved and modest person who does not drink, smoke, do drugs and hasn’t had sex in a very, very, VERY long time.

16) Do you have any pets?

Yes, thank God! Baby is my stinky little Cairn Terrier — she was a gift from Mario Diaz — and she is over 10 years old but still acts like a puppy. And then there is Lil Sister, a chihuahua/terrier mix, who was a gift from Alexis Arquette. I feel like I actually gave birth to her.

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?

I would HATE it, but be polite.

18) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

This is the lazy man’s irony: “Clowns are meant to be cheerful and fun, but they are actually quite scary!” Yes, we get it. The only good clowns are sad clowns, but enough about ME!

19) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

I would like a larger penis please.

20) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

I would sooooo talk you out of it. It’s not worth it! DO THE RIGHT THING.

21) What color eyes do you have?

Brown.

22) Ever been arrested?

Yes, it’s a stupid and boring story that involves a complete asshole in a uniform in West Hollywood. It was traffic-related.

23) Bottle or can soda?

I don’t drink soda anymore — EVER.

24) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

That is not much money these days, but I would put it towards the surgery I need.

25) What’s your favorite place to hang?

In bed, with my dogs.

26) Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes and no. I think it’s rather arrogant to proclaim, “No!” but I think there would be more proof if they really did exist. It’s possible.

27) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

Take a hot bath.

28) Do you swear a lot?

Fuck yeah!

29) Biggest pet peeve?

The inability (or downright REFUSAL) of people on either side of ANY transaction — to make eye contact, smile and be pleasant. I am talking about basic human decency here. Whether you are a customer, a casting agent, a receptionist, a cashier — BE NICE! It kills me that these people at Whole Foods — with their hybrid cars with all the politically correct/spiritual bumper stickers and their copy of The Secret and their yoga mat — cannot even make eye contact with the person, standing less then 2 feet away from them, ringing up the overpriced organic, free-range, fair-trade, gluten-free food that will go into their body and/or that of their children. Basic manners, people. How can you “save the planet” if you can’t even manage to be courteous to ONE person!?

30) In one word, how would you describe yourself?

Creative.

31) Do you believe/appreciate romance?

Yes. To me it simply means being creative and giving and expressive with your love. I can be romantic with animals and friends and complete strangers. It’s an aesthetic and a style choice. Or perhaps I am confusing “romance” with general passion and joie de vivre.

32) Do you believe in a god?

Again, I think it is the ultimate arrogance to say “Yes” or “No” — the only respectful answer is “I don’t know!” It’s hard NOT to believe in SOMETHING when you see fruits and vegetables and animals and babies and the sun and the moon, etc. Organized religion will be the death of mankind and possibly this planet, I am convinced of this. It is notoriously anti-nature and that is essentially spitting in God’s face.